Not words I want to hear. In fact, these very words make me feel a little irritated (okay, maybe hostile). I chase things hard, and fast.
I am always trying to learn new things. I always want to take classes and go to school. I’m writing tonight as a form of therapy. It’s time I address these feelings. Not having a formal education and being certified makes me feel less than. I was supposed to do something GREAT with my life (academically speaking). But it didn’t happen that way. And I can find a hundred reasons to discount the medical coding schooling I took, on top of a hundred GREAT education opportunities I should pursue.
Earlier this year, it was counseling, at one point it was nursing, graphic design, another language, and a few other things along the way.
Lately, certified herbalist has been in my cross hairs. I found an online course, for a reasonable price. I zoned in (well, how zoned in can I be on 100 projects?) I kept sending it to Pa W. He never said a word, so I called him about it today.
“Is it just a crazy idea to want to be a certified herbalist?”
He let me know he doesn’t get it, it doesn’t interest him, but to do what I need to do. I have his support. But then, the words…
“But you’re doing too much again, slow down. I don’t think you need to be a certified herbalist to make the products you want to make and sell stuff from your farm.”
I felt a growl in my throat, and I had to hold back my thumb from hanging up on him. Don’t tell me to slow down! I’m not doing too much! Why are you standing in the way of the greatest dream of my life?
That thought stopped me in my rage, as I recognized it – I’ve thought that same thing about every schooling thing I thought I should enroll in. Each one was the greatest dream of my life – at the time. A few months after not spending my money on it/enrolling in it/chasing it, I’ve nearly forgotten it. That, my friends, is not the greatest dream of my life, or anyone else’s. Great dreams are not easily forgotten. They keep us awake at night, they churn over and over in our heads and our hearts until we step away from the fears and begin pursuing the dreams. Then, they drive us to grind and hustle and do whatever it takes to make them come true.
These are whims, whims that a long time ago, I learned should drive plot points in novels I should be writing, because the stories in my head are what keep me awake at night. They are what churn around over and over again in my mind, begging to break free, to be told.
But fear stands there, telling me how the stories don’t measure up, how they aren’t quite good enough. Fear shakes its ugly finger and tells me I don’t have what it takes. And I listen. I squash the stories before they are able to bloom. I push them away, out of my mind. I find a million other things to chase.
So, one of my goals as I grow this farm, and the little farm business that is so important to me (and has been for a very long time), is to write. I’m going to blog our journey. I’m going to write and share my thoughts, and how things are going. And I’m going to make a little window of time for the stories. It’s time I tell them.
What great dream do you have, and how have you let fear stand in your way?